Enough with all this angst/self pity.

After talking to Reen and Crystal I've cleared some stuff up. Things will work themselves out. I can't give up on everyone just because of some stupid incident regardless of whether it was intentional or not. There are people out there worth letting in I'll just have to let them come to me instead of vice versa. It's probably time I grew up and stopped with all this "finding friends" nonsense. Good friends will either find me or not. I've been more or less alone (surrounded by people) for four years I can do another four if need be,Josh "I'm writing my own name" Weinstein

Addendum/Clarification

I'm not saying that anyone in particular is at fault. What happened last night very well might have been just a tired misunderstanding. But the fact that I let myself get anywhere near where I was set off warning bells in my head. I'm going to back off in general and not let people get as close. Quite frankly, it always ends up being one sided anyway. I can resign myself to being, at most, casual friends with everyone I meet. It hurts but it hurts a lot less than the alternatives.What a town without pity can do,Josh "..." WeinsteinUpdate: The Torah has been found. That's one load off my mind.

Getting flashbacks.

All I can say is "fuck". Yesterday, although starting off on a pleasant note, ended up in the shitter. After a nice lunch with the Jew bunch I did some work and then came back for some dinner/pool. Then I went with Julie and Greg to a great bar with a live jam band to have some bread products (passover JUST ended) and some spectacular bar. Came back for midnight breakfast at the south dining hall where I managed to get angrier than I've been for some time. Firstly and most importantly someone stole a Torah from the hillel. I don't even know where to begin how horrible this makes me feel. It's very much like a spiritual rape, I've not been going to the Hillel for long yet it feels like a second home to me and for something like this to happen RIGHT as the semester ends? I feel like I'm somewhere between weeping and random violence. I think I expect too much out of the people I meet/become friends with. Just because I'd be willing to take a bullet (in a very literal sense) for anyone I let close enough to be a friend doesn't mean that I should expect the same from them. I'm reminded of the time "Karen" tried her damndest to make my life hell before we broke up, she'd go alternatively hot and cold on me. Tell me things that she definitely wanted me to do then went and slapped me when I didn't do the opposite and G-d knows what else before I found her cheating on me. That all sounds fairly run of the mill but I loved her more than I care to admit and for her to betray me in so many ways close to destroyed me. Connecticut has made me feel much the same. I've been virtually ignored/kept at arm's distance/made to feel like I'm not a worthwhile person by a majority of the people I've met here. Maybe if I stopped caring so much about people things would be better. I'm considering closing myself off for a while and keeping everyone at a CT distance and seeing if that doesn't improve things. The semester is ending anyway, I'll just head back to West Hartford and stick my head in a hole all summer. Greg and Julie if they're even talking to me (not that they wouldn't be but damn I feel like I've been abandoned here) might make a few guest appearances but by and large I'm going to not try so much.Can't get hurt if there's no one close enough to stick the knife in right?Josh "It's not giving up if no one's looking" Weinstein

So ends the second most stressful week I've had this semester.

Well this week has been less than pleasant but at least it's over with. I still have upwards of 10 labs to do but I'm confident I can do them before my final on Wednesday. All that leaves is finishing bloody passover so I can eat some corn syrup or something. I'm really looking forward to this summer where I can relax and focus on one class/job at a time whilst getting ready for the fall. I still need to change majors, register for classes, and talk to an advisor so the next week'll bad but not nearly so bad as this one.Desperately seeking Susan,Joshua "I'm not crazy.. yet! BWAHAHAHAHAHA" WeinsteinP.S. I'm considering heading to SD to surprise Crystal with a visit this summer. That should be pretty fun.

Short entry about a whole lot.

Spent the entire night out with Marc, Brett, Jackie, and Michelle. I'm coma tired and still have a whole lot of work to do. There's only a week left of school and I'm still so out of everything I need to shape up and stop hanging out with fun but distracting people. What I really need is someone to get on my back about getting work done, I'm going to have to ask a friend to play taskmaster/costudybuddy so I can finish this stuff or else this semester is going to end very badly.Mlech,Joshua "Wishing I had met these people earlier this semester" Wein-fucking-stein

Less than stellar.

Well, the end of a pretty much wasted semester is upon me. I've managed to do little other than take a few classes that don't even count for my major and making a bunch of friends (most of whom are leaving sometime soon either for graduation, deportation, or greener pastures). I've got more to do this week than I can count on all my bodily appendages. Things are piling up, away, and out and I've been screwing around and putting everything off.Things are still looking up but goddamnit I'm fucking exhausted and it's not going to get easier until next semester.Phlzzzrrjhghj,Joshua WeinsteinP.S. The first girl I ever tried to propose to just turned me down. :-( ...If we hadn't just met the other week I might be slightly offended!

Pesach Pesach Pesach

The past few days have been jewriffic. On Saturday I went over to Nate's house with Greg and Julie for a spectacular passover Seder. We ate a ton of good food, drank pretty good wine, laughed our asses off at ourselves (if you can't laugh at your own jokes who else can you count on to do it?), played trivial pursuit, and met a whole bunch of Jewish strangers who ended up being freaking fantastic people. We managed to finish the dinner in about four and a half hours (in Jew time that's almost punctual). I slept on the floor and missed out on Saturday's spring weekend festivities (no big freaking loss, I learned my lesson on Friday). And came back on campus just in time for lunch today. Today (or yesterday I suppose) I had lunch with Greg/Julie, showered (yay cleanliness!), wore a snazzy shirt, and went to the second night's Seder at Hillel. Unfortunately Hillel's service was a little less than inspiring (at least compared to Nate's), it seemed too abbreviated and the non-regular people weren't very into it. Also, and more importantly, a friend of mine was pretty depressed so I was worried about them and the sweet wine they make us drink (I swear I'm not an elitist but I CANNOT STAND sweet wines they hit me harder than they should and make me feel sick) all evening. It's hard watching the people you like doubt themselves, especially when they have no earthly reason to. I walked them back to their dorm and had a little heart to heart, I don't think I made myself too clear due to the hard-grapejuice and a general somber mood but I tried and will continue to do so until it bloody sticks.Regards,Josh "I may stop signing it like this but I rather like giving myself nicknames" Weinstein