Sunday, June 24, 2007
Getting flashbacks.
All I can say is "fuck". Yesterday, although starting off on a pleasant note, ended up in the shitter. After a nice lunch with the Jew bunch I did some work and then came back for some dinner/pool. Then I went with Julie and Greg to a great bar with a live jam band to have some bread products (passover JUST ended) and some spectacular bar. Came back for midnight breakfast at the south dining hall where I managed to get angrier than I've been for some time. Firstly and most importantly someone stole a Torah from the hillel. I don't even know where to begin how horrible this makes me feel. It's very much like a spiritual rape, I've not been going to the Hillel for long yet it feels like a second home to me and for something like this to happen RIGHT as the semester ends? I feel like I'm somewhere between weeping and random violence. I think I expect too much out of the people I meet/become friends with. Just because I'd be willing to take a bullet (in a very literal sense) for anyone I let close enough to be a friend doesn't mean that I should expect the same from them. I'm reminded of the time "Karen" tried her damndest to make my life hell before we broke up, she'd go alternatively hot and cold on me. Tell me things that she definitely wanted me to do then went and slapped me when I didn't do the opposite and G-d knows what else before I found her cheating on me. That all sounds fairly run of the mill but I loved her more than I care to admit and for her to betray me in so many ways close to destroyed me. Connecticut has made me feel much the same. I've been virtually ignored/kept at arm's distance/made to feel like I'm not a worthwhile person by a majority of the people I've met here. Maybe if I stopped caring so much about people things would be better. I'm considering closing myself off for a while and keeping everyone at a CT distance and seeing if that doesn't improve things. The semester is ending anyway, I'll just head back to West Hartford and stick my head in a hole all summer. Greg and Julie if they're even talking to me (not that they wouldn't be but damn I feel like I've been abandoned here) might make a few guest appearances but by and large I'm going to not try so much.Can't get hurt if there's no one close enough to stick the knife in right?Josh "It's not giving up if no one's looking" Weinstein
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3 comments:
I can appreciate the sense of betrayal, but don't delude yourself into thinking that detachment is all that much better.
Yes Josh the solitude will help you keep out the bad but with the bad you'll be keeping out the good. You won't be living anymore, you'll just be there. Life is full of good and bad. Let the bad roll off you and absorb the good.I enjoy your thoughts on the word love too, I'd take a bullet for a lot of people as well including people I don't know, I think I realize that that kind of love isn't present in most people. My friends are very important to me, should one of the people I let in decide to screw me over, they are simply removed from the circle of trust. I hope you fel better, and I hope the torah is returned unharmed.
yes that sounds awesome, you can come play radio nerd with me, I might have two different shows for the summer
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